Speaking Of Our New Chocolate Lab...

...my wife and I checked out the latest episode of "The L Word" last night...couldn't sleep after...and thanks to biological interference (ahem) couldn't do anything else... so we started flipping through the myriad channels of fluff they call television programs... and came upon Eukanuba's Kennel Club Awards or some shit... aside from being a legitimate place to hear the word "BITCH" 700 hundred times (although I don't know what the announcer meant when he said "bitch ass"...as I'm pretty sure he wasn't referring to the hind quarters on any of said canines...but I digress....)

I don't get these people who name their dogs things like "Captain Jones' Heroin Addiction In Prague" aka "Shorty"; or "Green Christmas Bells On Tuesday Weld" aka "Scraps"; or "Plastic Gizmos Found In The Clearance Bin At Marshall Fields'" aka "Schwanz".... I mean, come on, stick with one name, people. Sheesh. No wonder animals are so neurotic.

Meanwhile... back to work.

Signed,
Citrus Cologne In Greater Than 12oz Bottles Makes Me Sick In The Sunshine

Fun With Idiots...

MY replies below are in normal font. My "muse"'s stuff is in italics. Some background here. This Right Wing guy who knows me decided to push my buttons about the Right (and of course his bible) being…right. Bad choice, my “friend”.

i talk to actual servicemen when they have returned home.

Have any of them referred in any way to how it is they're "PROTECTING OUR FREEDOM"?

they say how can they NOT be telling of the hundreds of schools opened, the new hospitals, roads, utilities, fresh water, and markets now opened. how can they only tell about a roadside bombing or RPG attack? why don't tell you about the victories we are winning, just as Senator Joseph Libermen reported. or I could site all the "we're losing the war' stories in the NY & LA Times, just to mention the 2 big guys.

Just because it is written in NY/LA newspapers DOES NOT mean it's right...OR...wrong. "Winning" this particular "war" (although WAR usually requires 2 armies...) is going to be a very, very subjective thing for a long time to come. Vietnam, anyone?

maybe you didn't hear but they having free elections in Iraq today.

YES. I'M AWARE.

Maybe you haven't heard about the 10,000 trained new Iraqi soldiers and police force. I believe the Prez said right form the beginning we were going to win the hearts of the people first so they could and would defend themselves.

We're doing a bangup job, eh?

while this is taking some time, i think the 'cut and run' we used in the Gulf War may have something to do with the 'wait and see' attitude of the people.

TRUE. King George 1 really fucked things up. And boy are the rest of us who wish for peace paying for it. I could hardly blame anyone there for being apprehensive/angry with us. Especially when it was obvious by the long far away look in G Dub's eyes from day one that he was gonna wipe the floor with that dude that his daddy "mercifully" (yeah...right)decided to leave there. Finishing Daddy's work, like a good boy.

But than again just because those that DID rise up against the regime were killed, their families tortured and killed, that wouldn't have anything to do with time table we are seeing now. Maybe your reference to Babylon is to say they have always been a violent, ruthless, barbarian, totalitarian people but I am not sure?

My reference to Babylon is probably better saved for a discussion about how good the/your "good book" really is.

I guess until we would have been attacked directly by an Iraqi State backed terrorist you would say they did nothing wrong and were no threat.

Actually, yes. You're doing a good job of listening to the justification rhetoric from the White House. Considering the technology we've HAD in place (oh, and the information that Rummy, Condi and crew decided to pretend didn't exist), I find it HARD to believe that we wouldn't "see 'em coming". We've got enough defense systems to last a million years and enough munitions to blow up the world by ourselves several times over. I'm not worried about "safety" from other countries. Safety from this country's officials currently in office...absolutely.

Just because Bin's boys were protected and cared for in Saddums personal hospital by his son's during the Afghan campaign, you would say that isn't a direct connection seems like if had used that same mentality in WW2 we would NEVER had preemptively attacked Germany, but we did and the World IS better for it. wonder if in as little as 10 years people will say the World is better for Saddum being removed? at what point would say another state is a threat to us? once they have attacked and not until then?

Well...yeah. Especially when WE are the greatest force in the world - and everyone is too scared of us to wage full on war. Saddam is no Hitler. Neither is a good person. I'll agree to that. But Hitler was far worse. Saddam would eventually have just died off. Instead of changing focus from Bin Laden (how does a man attached to an IV on wheels with his dialysis machine escape us? Can't you just picture him running up and down the hills? :)), we should have found him first. Somehow we got distracted (adult ADD affects millions of Americans...) If we could find Saddam, we could find Bin Laden. No matter how you spell it.


I'll not engage in name calling and other forms of demeanor. but it is funny how when people have differing views, especially conservatives, we are labeled closed minded and blindly following others or intolerant.

This is what I mean... you make it seem as though Right Wingers are the ones being ostracized. You refer to anyone who doesn't agree with what you think as "liberal" like it's a bad thing, when the very root of the word can be associated with LIBERATION. Still, ANYONE who is NOT on the Right Wing Side is ostracized...you just have to acknowledge that it's happening. But, if you're a true Right Winger, you won't. You'll spin and spin until you CREATE an ALL SPIN ZONE.

wonder if that applies to liberals also.

Of course it does.

or is that different? funny how it is only conservatives that are called intolerant

ARE YOU HIGH?,

yet when the left disagrees they are simply right; never are they intolerant.

HOLD ON...I'M GETTING DIIIIIIIIIIIZZZZZZY (must be from all the "spinning"...is this really Karl Rove I'm talking with? Dammit. I KNEW it!)

Christains (interesting/unfortunate? grammatical error)

seem to be the only ones intolerant.

So that you know where I stand and DON'T pigeonhole me into one "category" or "group", I at least have the sack to acknowledge that there are some wacky "liberals" out there. For all the good he's done, and he's a man of god and all that happy horseshit, I think The Rev. Jesse Jackson is an eyesore to the "left". How's that? Let's hear YOU acknowledge that anyone on "your" side is that way. I won't hold my breath

the problem with communism is we as a world have NEVER seen put to practice. what ALWAYS have seen is socialism and dictatorships,

(AND OUR OWN CAPITALIST SYSTEM, right?)

i.e., Hitler, Castro, all the Japanese Emperor's, all the Russian/USSR Czars, etc. I do take offense that somehow you have determined I am incapable of caring for myself. I have NEVER received a single dime for the government

ME NEITHER. And, I DID NOT infer that. If our government cares so much, then we MUST take care of our own people is all I said. NOT BUY MORE WEAPONS. NOT deny people help. Help a person when they’re down, give out some healthcare to those who need it but can't afford it. It works in Canada - despite King George II saying "show me when government run health care works...then the chuckle that he does so well... see: 2004 Presidential Debate #2...)

I have worked for everything I have, I haven't even collected but 1 week of unemployment in my life time. I don't need the government to provide anything more than roads, military, and a constitutional form of the courts. (yes, I am saying what we have today is not within the boundaries of the constitution, no where does it give the courts the right to govern from the bench, 9th circuit court of appeals.)

Congratulations. You're a saint, apparently. The system was originally intended to help our society grow - and to continue to do so. I think we've gotten off track at least a smidge here and there. Thankfully we still have the "freedom" to make our own decisions...though many/most choose not to bother.

No, the Patriot Act doesn't make me feel safer, but what terrorist outside of the middle east were you referring to?

Remember the guy with the bomb in his shoe? British. It's not just folks who believe in "Allah" that are terrorists - DESPITE what your alleged "LIBERAL" media says. Take a look around you, the next terrorist could be in your midst...and white as a ghost. Being brown skinned/Middle Eastern does not equate TERRORIST. Although that's what we're TOLD to associate the term with. I would have thought someone like you wouldn't have pigeonholed.

The ones that blow up the US embassies? The USS Cole? The first attack of the Trade Towers? The second attack? The list just goes on and on and on. While terrorism can come from another people group but I guess we'll just have to wait for that day.

What about the attacks by our own country against others - talking only about countries we haven't armed first...let's call a spade a spade. Our belief that we can do whatever/wherever/whenever...but if it's done to us... "hey man, that's not cool!" We’re a bully in the eyes of the rest of the world, and some would argue we HAVE to be. I disagree. I'm quite convinced that if the proper people were asked - even in so called "Allied" countries - they'd let you know in no uncertain terms that the good ol' USA is a bit of spry terrorist in itself.

One last thing, maybe I am repeating myself but even at that cost here goes:Is it only those on the right that are brainwashed?

Not necessarily. See, that's the thing. I'm not all the way to the left. Nor do I agree with EVERYTHING from the left. I'm doing my best to stay within the focus of human rights - especially the right to peaceful existence/survival. Regarding your biblical references...save them. I don't read it, don't want anything to do with it. yadda yadda I'll burn in hell, blah blah blah..."forgive" me.

Is it only those on the right that read LEV 18:22 " `Do not lie with a man as one lies with a woman; that is detestable" and say it is wrong?

Fine, so your god says it's wrong... does your god also say it's your responsibility to billy club a person to death (speaking figuaritively here...) if they happen to be "gay"? Is it REALLY YOUR BUSINESS? Especially considering that YOU wouldn't want anyone questioning what YOU do physically with another...NOBODY would. And that's what it boils down to, right? Do you openly discuss your heterosexual life in the sack with anyone?

Is it only those on the right that read LEV 20:13 " `If a man lies with a man as one lies with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable. They must be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads." And say there's no wiggle room here, God is clear how HE feels about homosexual relations?

Does he give you the power to assault verbally or physically those people? Are you THAT much of a zealot that it disturbs you to the point of tears that a man may be in love with another man (never mind the priests...) or a woman may be in love with another woman?

1 COR 6.13b "The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body. 14 By his power God raised the Lord from the dead, and he will raise us also. 15 Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! 16 Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, "The two will become one flesh." 17 But he who unites himself with the Lord is one with him in spirit."

So, should I buy a bible and drill a hole in it or...

Is it only those on the right that read RO 1:26 "Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones. 27 In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their perversion." And say don't shove your perverted views down my throat or tell my children it's OK, because I was born that way? that is a lie!

Ooooohh....it's all so deliciously wicked and decadent isn't it? Give me a fucking break. This gets worse and worse as I read it. Aside from countless hipocracies in YOUR bible... (Lot, anyone? Now THERE was a saint!), is it really so bad? Do you really think that a gay man or woman constantly thinks about the sexual part of their love for someone else? Do you? Either way, is that a very “christian” thing to do? Are YOU that devoted, that you and your bride only have sex for the purpose of procreation - after all, that's what the "good book" says, right? Whatever. Just because someone is LABELED "homosexual" does NOT mean that they are a “deviant.” Kinda like how I refuse to refer to you as a "RACIST" because you feel that only MIDDLE EASTERN PEOPLE are terrorists.

is it only those on the right that read 1CO 6:9 "Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders 10 nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. 11 And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God." And say it is a choice, not a lifestyle?

6:9...hahahahahaha...coincidence? Does it ever occur to anyone who is a Christian...that perhaps NOT EVERYONE believes what they do? I could care less about ANY guilt based religion. That goes for Christianity, Judaism, and yes, even Islam. I don't belive in the Dungeons & Dragons storytelling in the bible, and think it to be a waste of my time. Perhaps that means that to you I won't be "forgiven" or "saved" or whatever. Guess what? Don't care. Don't need anyone to teatotal me to convince me otherwise. If I change my mind someday, good on me. But, considering the greed, corruption, hypocrisy and ridiculousness of organized religion - TO ME ANYWAY - it's a waste of time. My opinion.

I hope you don't take offense at any of this because nothing is meant to be offensive or degrading, I simply can think for myself and do! While I am on the right I am NOT the enemy.

No, you're not "the enemy," specifically. It's complacency that is the (my) enemy. It's racism. It's sexism. It's zealotry. It's hypocrisy. It's concepts that I feel are my enemies. It's people who act so pious and righteous and then live a life that is anything but (say...oh...I don't know...folks who consider themselves to be religious and/or go to church on Sunday to be "forgiven" for a week's worth of "sinning" - swearing, adultery, whatever...whee!) It's folks that don't think for themselves that are not on my side. But, like Nietzsche said... "That which does not kill me, makes me stronger." As long as I live I'll continue to speak out against what I feel are injustices perpetuated on ANYONE - including me.

It’s funny…I take a stance and stand up for what I believe…and I’m accused of being problematic, argumentative, LIBERAL. Well, if disagreeing with what is - to even the least intelligent cattle of this country - obviously WRONG, then I guess I am. If going against the norm means asking, learning, researching and getting up and out to take action is the result of that description, then so be it. If disagreeing with Bill O’Reilly, Ann Coulter, or any of the myriad talking heads that are out there accusing anyone who disagrees with their socio/political/right wing propaganda - of being on the wrong side - then I guess I’ll take my place.

The difference between ME and YOU is that I’m proactive. You are reactive. When it comes to the basics of human technology, you’ve certainly succeeded in toeing the line. You’ve done a great job following the Leaders Of The Lemmings, straight off the cliff to your eventual right wing, hypocritical deaths. You react with a yearning to KILL those who’ve committed crimes and/or murderous acts. You favor an eye for an eye all week long, and then attend church to somehow obtain peace in your life for agreeing with the murder/death row finality of another human being. You lash out at EVERYONE who matches the description of an attacker - not just the specific attacker themselves. You use blanketed racism and sexism and disguise it as “doing what’s right to protect the interests of everyone”. You concern yourself with what other people do in the privacy of their own bedrooms when - aside from petty jealousies wrought on by your own apparent loneliness and/or inability to be intimate with anyone - their “actions” behind their own doors have nothing to do with you. AT ALL. You support the mass genocide of a society to force them into your way of thinking, and then refuse to acknowledge the police state(s) we’re creating in other countries - AND here stateside. You believe that if someone argues with your point of view - however skewed, non-sensical, hypocritical it may be - they’re wrong and deserve to be ridiculed, punished or killed. You believe that the U.S. is has the soverignity and carte blanch to destroy anyone who is not them. Hypocrisy, greed and hubris are what drives you to live each day. You’d rather be told how to live, where to shop, what to think…than make any decisions for yourself.

Sound familiar? Of course it does. It’s who you are.

Now, let me tell you about ME.

I read. I think. I learn. I speak out. I go against what is widely accepted by the docile masses - especially in cases where the way of thinking is quite obviously without merit or just plain against basic common sense. I DO NOT accept what I’m given if it’s a big pile of horseshit. I toss it back...with vengence. I can’t be bothered to change what is near and dear to me and what I believe to be true - especially if what I think and/or do IS NOT adversely affecting anyone else.

When you can jump over the smallest hurdles of humanity...maybe we can talk. Until then, don't bother.

BUT WAIT!!!! I JUST NOW got this reply...

ROFL! Do you really believe that stuff? That is the funniest thing I have heard, excluding the references to the God and His Word. Regarding that, I'll pray for you, like it or not I'll do it because God has asked me to. PERIOD. Plus, did you know God loves you as much as me, or Saddam or anyone else? It's true, He sent His Son for ALL mankind, while we were waging war with Him! WOW, now that's a great God!

So you see? I'm good to go, right? Boy, do I feel...redeemed. A hypocritical zealot will be saying a little prayer for me. How...comforting. Whatever.

"Every Time A Prison Guard Pulls The Killswitch, An Angel Gets His Wings"

Does it ever occur to anyone who supports the death penalty that killing someone on death row, is, in itself, MURDER?

No, no it doesn't. Do you know why? Because those who support the death penalty aren't connected to the situation. Hell, they're most likely not connected to anything except for the line that they're told to toe.

Folks, it's simple. Killing a person who has killed someone else, does nothing to fill voids in any hearts, anywhere. THINK! For crying out loud, it's not brain surgery, you dolts!

Eye for an eye is a bullshit excuse to attain satisfaction - satisfaction that is temporary and fleeting.

And for those of you who both consider yourself a "spiritual" person (with whatever affiliation you desire) - if a family member or friend of yours is murdered...do you think that whatever "god" you worship would support your killing of another person no matter how angry you are? No, "he", "she", "it" would not. Murder is murder people. And if you believe otherwise, you are showing yourself for the hypocritical, soulless person you are.

Is murder right? NEVER. That means - pulling the trigger, weilding the knife...or..."flipping the switch" and/or "inserting the needle".

Congratulations Prison Guard #1... how's your conscience treating you? Think you'll be forgiven? Good luck with that...murderer.

David Cross Says: "Think-Of-Something-To-Do-And-See-That-Task-To-Completion!!!!!"

There are few people in this world that (to me anyway) are able to intelligently grasp what is happening around us, capture it, and spit it back out as the truth - and be hilarious at the same time. David Cross is one of the chosen few who READS, refuses to tow the line and entertains relentlessly at the sake of those who are trying in vain to destroy the world around us through their hatred, dirty money and policies of mass genocide. Thank you David, for doing what you do. (and screw the bastards at Fox for cancelling Arrested Development.)

From David's website. Enjoy.

Thursday, December 01, 2005
AN OPEN LETTER TO LARRY THE CABLE GUY

Hi everybody!

The following is a letter I wrote after picking up Git-R-Done - The Larry The Cable Guy Story (ghost written by Susan Sontag). I have to warn you that it's nearly 11 pages long. But I think it's chock full of life lessons for all of us and if you're not careful... you just might learn something!

An open letter to Larry The Cable Guy:

Hello Larry,

It's me, David Cross. Recently I was shooting something for my friends at "Wonder Showzen" (the funniest, most subversive comedy on American T.V. at the moment) and when we were taking a break one of the guys on the show asked me if I had seen some article in something somewhere wherein you were interviewed to promote your new book "Please-Git-R-Done" (published by Crown Books $23.95 U.S.) and they asked about your devoting a chapter to slamming me and the "P.C. Left". Since I stopped following your career shortly after you stopped going on stage wearing a tool belt with cable wrapped around your neck (around your appearance at "Laffs 'n' Food" in Enid, Oklahoma Aug 23-26 1999?) I said I wasn't aware of the article. They went on to tell me that you said basically (and I am not quoting but paraphrasing their recall) that I could kiss your ass, that I've never been to one of your shows (true) and that I didn't know your audience (untrue).

SO, I went and got your book, "Gitting-R-Donned", and excitedly skimmed past the joke about that one time you farted and something farty happened, on past the thing about the fat girl who farted and finally found it, < Media – 5>. Well, needless to say I farted. I farted up a fartstorm right there in the Flyin' J Travel Center. I fartingly bought the book and took it home with an excitement I haven't experienced since I got Bertha Chudfarter's Grandma drunk and she took her teeth out and blew me as I was finger banging her while wearing a Jesus sock puppet in the back of the boiler room at The Church of the Redeemer off I-20 (I don't care who you are, that's funny.)

Anyhoo, I got home and read the good parts. It seems that you were pissed off at Rolling Stone magazine, and I can understand why. You made some good points in your argument as well. I agree that there is an eliteism and bias in the press and too often a writer will include asides to show the readers how smart he or she is and how "above it" they are. But come on! Surely you can't be surprised, or worse, hurt or offended by this. You even say in the book that you knew what you were getting into (Rolling Stone being all "lefty" and whatnot). Certainly I'm not surprised that they took a ten minute phone conversation with me and chose to print only the most inflammatory paragraph within it. That's what they do.

But I want to address some of the things you write about me in "Git-to-Gittin'-r-Done". In response to the Rolling Stone article, but first let me say this; you are very mistaken if you think that I don't know your audience. Hell, I could've been heckled by the parents of some of the very people that come see you now. I grew up in Roswell, Georgia (near the Funny Bone and not far from The Punch Line). The very first time I went on stage was at The Punch Line in Sandy Springs in 1982 when I was 17. I cut my teeth in the south and my first road gigs ever were in Augusta, Charleston, Baton Rouge, and Louisville. I remember them very well, specifically because of the audience. I remember thinking (occasionally, not all the time) "what a bunch of dumb redneck, easily entertained, ignorant motherfuckers. I can't believe the stupid shit they think is funny." So, yes, I do know your audience, and they suck. And they're simple. And please don't mistake this as coming from a place of bitterness because I didn't "make it" there or, I'm not as successful as you because that's not it at all. Since I was a kid I've always been a little over sensitive to the glorification and rewarding of dumb. The "salt of the earth, regular, every day folk" (or lowest common denominator) who see the world, and the people like me in it, as on some sort of secular mission to take away their flag lapels and plaster-of-paris jesus television adornments strike me as childishly paranoid. But perhaps the funniest (oddest) thing in your book is you taking me to task for being P.C. Have you heard my act?! I'll match your un-P.C.ness any day of the week my friend. I truly believe, and have said onstage amongst other things that, orthodox Jews are bar none, the most annoying people, as a group, that walk this earth. I absolutely refuse to say the term "African-American". It's a ridiculous and ill-applied label that was accepted with a thoughtless rush just to make white people feel at ease and slightly noble. I also believe that in the right setting that, as unfortunate as it may be, retarded people can be a near constant source of entertainment (fact!). Larry, whether northern, southern, straight, gay, male, female, liberal, conservative, Christian or Jew, I've walked them all. It didn't matter if it was a room full of "enlightened" hippie lesbian wicans at Catch A Rising Star in Cambridge, MA or literally hundreds of students at the University of St. Louis (a Jesuit school) or a roomful of the cutest, angriest frat boys in Baton Rouge all threatening to beat me up, I un-P.C.'d the shit out of them. That's another thing that bothers me too. I honestly believe that if we had worked a week together at whatever dumb-ass club in American Strip Mall #298347 in God's Country U.S.A and hung out that week and got good and drunk after the shows, that you and I would've been making each other laugh (I imagine we would have politely disagreed on a few things) but not only would we be laughing but we'd often be laughing at the expense of some of the audience members at that nights show and you know it. I'll address your easy, bullshit sanctimonious "don't mess with my audience" crap further on. But for now, let's "Gittle-R-Ding-Dong-Done!"

Okay, here's what I said in the RS interview: "He's good at what he does. It's a lot of anti-gay, racist humor -- which people like in America - all couched in 'I'm telling it like it is.' He's in the right place at the right time for that gee-shucks, proud-to-be-a-redneck, I'm-just-a-straight-shooter-multimillionaire-in-cutoff-flannel, selling-ring tones-act. That's where we are as a nation now. We're in a state of vague American values and anti-intellectual pride."

You took umbrage at my calling a lot of your act anti-gay and racist and said that "...according to Cross and the politically correct police, any white comedians who mention the word 'black' or say something humorous but faintly negative about any race are racists."

Well, first of all, your act is racist. Maybe not all the time, but it certainly can be. Here, let me quote you back, word for word, some of your "faintly negative" humor and I'll let people judge for themselves.

Re: Abu Ghraib Torture -

"Let me ask some of these commie rag head carpet flying wicker basket on the head balancing scumbags something!"

Re: Having a Muslim cleric give the opening prayer at the Republican Convention -

"What the hell is this the cartoon network? The Republicans had a muslim give the opening prayer at there (sic) convention! What the hell's going on around here! Is Muslim now the official religion of the United States!... First these peckerheads ( Ironically, "peckerhead" was a derogatory word slaves and their offspring used to describe white people) fly planes into towers and now theys (sic) prayin' before conventions! People say not all of em did that and I say who gives a rats fat ass! That's a fricken slap in the face to New York city by having some muslim sum-bitch give the invocation at the republican convention! This country pretty much bans the Christian religion (the religion of George Washington and John Wayne) virtually from anything public and then they got us watchin' this muslim BS!! Ya wanna pray to allah then drag yer flea infested ass over to where they pray to allah at!" End Quote. So... yeah. There you go. This quote goes on and on but my favorite part is when you say towards the end, "...now look, I love all people (except terrorist countries that want to kill us)..."

There are numerous examples and I don't think I need to reprint any more. You get the idea. Oh, what the hell, here's one more - "They're dead, get over it! Poor little sandy asses! I'm sure all them dead folks'd they'd killed give 40 shekels or whatever kinda money these inbred sumbitches use, but I'd give 40 of 'em whatever it is to be humiliated instead of dead!"

Okay Larry The Cable Guy, I will ignore the irony of a big ole southern redneck character actually using "inbred" as an insult, as well as the fact that a shekel is currency from Israel, the towel heads sworn enemy. But at least you're passionate about what you see as inhumane injustice (not on a global level of course, but on a national level) and the simple black and white of what's right and what's wrong. It's kinda like you're this guy who speaks for all these poor, unfortunate souls out there who wear shirts with blue collars on them, work hard all day to put food on the table for their family (unlike people who wear shirts with white collars or wear scrubs or t-shirts or dresses or costumes that consist of flannel shirts with the sleeves cut-off and old trucker hats) and pray to the American Flag of Jesus to protect them from the evils of muslims, queers, illegal immigrants, and the liberal jews who run Hollywood and the media. I guess one could say that you're "telling it like it is". And considering the vast amount of over-simplification you employ to describe with sweeping generalizations, all of America and the World that "don't make no sense to you", as well as your lack of sensitivity, and second grade grammar, one might be led to think that you are somewhat proud of not appearing (or being) too intellectual. Combine that with your sucker appeal to the knee-jerk white Christian patriot in us all who would much rather hear 87 fart jokes than hear a joke in which the President (the current one, not the last one) or the Pope, or Born-Again Christians, or Lee Greenwood get called on their shit for being the hypocrites that they are, and I think we've got a winner!

About being Anti-Gay. I honestly take that back. I do not think that you are anti-gay, I didn't choose those words wisely. Your stuff isn't necessarily anti-gay but rather stupid and easy. "Madder than a queer with lock jaw on Valentines Day." That's not that funny, I don't care who you are. It's just sooo easy. I mean, over half the planet sucks dick so why gays? Why not truck stop whores, or Hollywood Starlets or housewives? Because when you say "queer" you get an easy laugh. End of story.

As for being a multi-millionaire in disguise, that's just merely a matter of personal taste for me. I do not begrudge you your money at all, it is sincerely hard earned and you deserve whatever people want to give to you. What sticks in my craw about that stuff is the blatant and (again, personal taste) gross marketing and selling of this bullshit character to your beloved fans. Now look, if someone wants to pay top dollar to come to one of your shows and then drop a couple hundred more on "Git-R-Done" lighters and hats and t-shirts and windshield stickers and trailer hitches and beer koozies and fishing hats and shot glasses etc, then good for you. I just think it's a little crass and belies the "good ole boy" blue collar thing you represent. But that's no big deal.

Now, as for the last statement that "We're in a state of vague American values and anti-intellectual pride."

Well, I think that's true. When you can rally the troops (so to speak) with a lazy, "latte drinking, tofu eating" generalization of Liberals and "Back ass rag fags" to describe Arabs, then, yeah, I think that falls in the "ignorant" category. I think that with even the slightest attention to the double standard and hypocrisy of both the Left and the Right in this country (if not all of the Christian Extremists as a whole) coupled with the bullshit they lazily swallow and parrot back while happily ignoring the gross inhumane treatment of those that aren't them so that we may have cheap sneakers and oil and slightly less taxes (although I'm sure the bracket you're in now gives you a ton of tax money back), then you could maybe see my point. Now here's the best part - in your book you preface the above quote by saying, "...but I guess I'm not as intellectual as David Cross. In that Rolling Stone article, he sure showed us what a deep thinker he is by sayin' "America is in a stage of vague intellectual pride." Jesus Christ can you even fucking read?! Whoever read that article to you butchered the actual quote. The quote that was right fucking in front of their face! I would fire your official reader and have them replaced with a Hooters Girl who doesn't fart. That way you have something nice to look at while you are getting your misinformation.

As for "anti-intellectual pride", that is Larry The Cable Guy in spades. Let me quote you again (from an on-line interview, "I consider my jokes to be very jeuvinille (sic). Stuff a 14 year old would laugh at because that's the ...sence (sic) of humor I have.". Hmmm, okay. That was easy.

Well, I suppose I've already covered part of that in the above. But you also specifically dumb down your speech while making hundreds of purposefully grammatical errors. How do I know this? It's on page 17 of your book wherein you describe how you would "Larry" up your commentaries for radio. What does it mean to "Larry" something up? Take a wild guess. The reason you feel the need to "Larry" something up? Because you are not that dumb. I mean you, Dan Whitney, the guy who's name the bank account is under. You were born and raised in Nebraska (hardly The South), went to private school and moved to Florida when you were 16. This is when you developed your accent?! Not exactly the developmental years are they? At age 16 that's the kind of thing you have to make a concerted effort to adopt. Did you hire a voice coach? Or were you like one of those people who go to England for a week and come back sounding like an extra from "Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels"? As you said yourself in an interview once, "I can pop in and out of it pretty much whenever I want". In your book on page 89 you say in reference to the "gee-shucks" millionaire comment, "...see, to his (David's) mind, bein' well paid means I'm no longer real and I can't be a country boy anymore. It's just an act." Hey, it's always been an act! That's my fucking point! You admit it yourself so cut the indignation shit. And I am in no way deriding your work ethic. You clearly have more fart jokes than most and for that I applaud you. You go on to talk about how hard you work and life on the road and living on Waffle House and blah, blah, blah. Yeah, I get it, we’ve all been there and played shitty, degrading gigs and sacrificed etc, etc. Then you say, "...this (the personal attack) was different because David basically hammered my fans in that RS article by implying that they were ignorant. He crossed the line when he railed against them, so I had to tell ya what I felt about that. He can hammer me all he wants, but when he screwed with my fans, it was time for me to say something." Aww, that's so sweet and egregious. I can't stand that fan ass kissing bullshit. You and Dane Cook ought to get together and have a "my-fan's-are-the-greatest-people-on-earth-and-that's-why-I-do-this" off. You could both sell a shit load of merch too. But having said that, I would truly love to get some of your fans and my fans in a room together to debate some of the finer points on comedy, music, culture, the issues facing our country today and just about anything else we might find worthy of discussion. My fans are pretty smart as well. They are also, I imagine, as "hard-working" as your fans. Not all of them of course, but most. And I'm sure that they may come up with some genuinely interesting, insightful points (and would do so without spouting a bunch of meaningless Christian platitudes). And if you really, truly want to respect your fans, lower your ticket price as well as the price of your ubiquitous merchandise. I'm sure all those hard-working Americans could use the extra money now that the budgets are being cut drastically from Transportation, Education, Health and Human Services, HUD, Dept of the Interior, EPA, Farm Service Agency, FEMA, Agricultural, FDA, VA, FDA, FHA, National Center for Environmental Health, and numerous other departments and agencies that they might directly rely on for help. All so that we can pay off this massive tax cut during "war" time that we're all getting (them not so much though). Oh well, that's just one of those "political" things that I think about occasionally.

Anyway, I just wanted to address the stuff you wrote about me and clear some things up. Mostly the air around here... I just farted!!!!!

Think-Of-Something-To-Do-And-See-That-Task-To-Completion!!!!!

Fart,
David Cross

Life Really CAN BE Simple...

It truly can.

I've been asked recently, not once, but AT LEAST twice..."why don't you just write a book?" It's really a good question. Aside from how truly egomaniacal it would make me feel to even THINK that someone...no...ANYONE...would take the time to read a book written by me, there's the simple question of "who'd listen/read/interpret/relate/live it anyway?"

I live my life, take my stances, research and write passionately. Complete. I feel tremendous guilt if I don't give more than I'm capable of at all times. Meticulous, organized, anal, whatever...it's who I am. And, quite frankly, allows me to at least be content with myself.

The problem is, I KNOW how high my expectations are for myself, and often, I expect others in my close circle to acheive them as well. I shouldn't, but I do. I admit it. It's probably difficult to come even close to 50% in terms of keeping up with what I expect in terms of organization, cleanliness, peacefulness. Trouble is, I'd settle for 10% at this point, because common sense and a desire for order are in such seemingly short supply.

My first rule of business...no...LIFE...is that "It's IMPOSSIBLE to be successful in ANYTHING, without a COMPLETE COMMITMENT to ORGANIZATION." Seems easy right? Not really. Take a look around. Right. Now get to work.

See, you can't keep up. It doesn't matter to you. Cleanliness is NOT next to godliness as the saying goes...cleanliness (figuratively, literally, physically) is next to perfection. Organization leads to success - both in life's journies, business ventures, and, I daresay, to ultimate peace of mind. Think about it. How great of a feeling is it - however fleeting it is for you in your world - to just breathe in for 10 seconds a truly organized, clean environment? It's amazing. Everything in place.

Apply this to ANYTHING you do...and be amazed at the results.

Wanna know how to take nearly $50LARGE in debt, to NOTHING in 12 months? I've done it.

Wanna know how to take a business from nothing and build it into a viable, growing entity? I've done it. And continue to do so daily.

Wanna know how to commandeer over 1100 CD's and 300+ DVD's and keep them library-like in physical nature as well as alphabetical and chronological, making them very easy to find? Check.

I'm no better than anyone else in this world. I've got my pluses, and they are FAR FAR FAR outweighed by my minuses... but I do know that regardless of whether my voice or sales talents are mediocre at best, my ability to organize my life - and my DESIRE to do so out of devotion to my own success and happiness not because someone tells me to - but because I WANT to - is better than most anyone's. Not bragging, mind you, just shooting straight.

Anyway, in the interest of "writing a book", I've decided instead to offer up a few examples of how to be the best to yourself. "Use my system" (crassness fully implied, by the by) and I'll guarantee that you'll make your life so much better.

1) Decide to do something...and DO IT. Do it THEN. Do it NOW. Do it IMMEDIATELY. When you say out loud "I'm gonna..." the only person you'll let down is yourself if you put it off. That is, unless you're promising to do something...even the SMALLEST thing for someone else. In that case, however small the premise, action or "thing" is...you've let yourself down AND someone else.

If you're cool with that...don't bother reading any farther. And don't ever come here to read anything again.

2) Don't take shortcuts. Live, work, play to the fullest. Don't search for the easy way out of anything. Don't clip coupons. Don't "look for the best deal." Don't try to "stick it to the man." It's too late for that. A few pennies saved are gonna add up to $13.76 later on life...don't spend it all in one place, Rockafeller. Conversely, if we're talking about shortcuts taken during work...I think even a monkey knows the ramifications of half assed effort(s). Whether it's cleaning your surroundings, raising your children, working at WORK...whatever. You know the drill. Hard work is what pays off. And, there's a definitive line betwixt this concept of "working smarter, not harder" and real life/good old fashioned EFFORT. I prefer the latter. In everything. You? Good. Keep reading.

3) Take 30 minutes out of your day...and clean and/or organize your surroundings. Write out your plan of attack for the day FIRST THING IN THE MORNING. That's an example of organizing. Put your clean clothes away, or, sort your dirty ones. Dust off the TV. Make your bed. Clean your room. Pick up after your kids. Pay the bills you've got stacked up. Empty/change out the trash. Take a break from taking a break, and clean your living room while you watch TV - OFF of the couch. You'll be amazed at how much work you can get done in just 30 minutes a day. Even several of the above examples - if not all - can be accomplished in 30 minutes - even broken up into smaller sessions if needed.

4) Read. Learn. CARE. Load up Yahoo.com, read your local newspaper, watch a documentary...whatever. Cliche? Yes, but KNOWLEDGE (even that gained from most of the crappy papers readily available) truly is power. Go further. Check out a book or article on a current event that might trouble you even in the slightest. (Don't get me started on politics, please...). Further, check out several articles - including those with differing takes and opinions. Get both sides of each argument (you should do this anyway with EVERYTHING...)Take the time to learn about the world around you, and watch the lemmings in your rearview mirror fall to their deaths off of figurative cliffs everywhere, speeding up their respective demises, by simply eating what's fed to them, believing what they're told by the talking heads/government officials, shopping where they're told to shop. They'll perish long before you...if you just START to give a shit about expanding your grey matter to include some newfound knowledge on a daily basis.

I understand that the above examples may be difficult for many to realize despite their sheer simplicity...but I'M capable. And I'm very far away from being perfect. Never will be. But that won't stop me from trying to get there. I stop and enjoy the roses when I can. But, let's be honest. Roses die. Knowledge, and your legacy - both to yourself and to others - lives forever. Are you down with yours as it is? If so, congrats...talk to you...never. Bye. If not, cool. Keep trying, then. Or, in most cases...START trying.

Life can be simple...but only if you start by committing to yourself and to a life of zero complacency.

Yin Meets Yang...or...Random Musical Tribute To Messrs Rollins and Morrissey

Just started reading a book called "Saint Morrissey." It's an ode to the author's feelings of helplessness when it comes to being at the mercy of SPM. It's great to have someone capture so completely the feeling of what it's like to be a fan of Moz. He's got something rare. Extremely so, that only a handful of performers have the ability to utilize - complete control over the audience.

Interestingly, the same could be said for my main musical hero - 1 to Morrissey's "1a" and 1 to Johnny Cash's "1c" - Henry Rollins. I've read all of Henry's books. Listened to all of his CD's. Allowed him to help me survive through my loyalty to his music. He is the true renaissance man. Morrissey is right there as well - despite maintaining a decidedly more aloof presence.

Rollins and Morrissey could be brothers. They resemble each other with their physical features. They elicit similar abandon from their minions. They both write with an aggression, a passion, an anger - that is unparalelled - especially when compared to the "music" offings of modern day "artists". They both reside in L.A. - the only sensical place, I suppose for either to dwell. Or hide. Or observe. And, like many "siblings," they also complement each other with a yin/yang in its truest form. Then again, maybe they're not so different. Maybe they're friends. Maybe they run in the same circles - whether purposely or simply by proxy. Maybe they've never met. If one wasn't aware that neither could be bothered to actually attend one, one could almost argue that they trained together in some ethereal "school of rock" somewhere.

Both are equally capable - in spite of their very different vocal stylings - of delivering the messages of their art with surgical precision. A precision that is capable of equal parts damage and repair - often at the same time. Bring you down. Lift you up. Often on front and back ends of the same sentences.

Enigmas. Mysteries. Shamanistic. While at the same time, "obvious despite themselves," to paraphrase Lloyd Cole (a man who comes awfully close to both Henry and Morrissey's abilities through his lyrical talents.)

Yes, both could be considered Saints, I suppose, although both would accept such a title, no doubt, reluctantly. Instead of being praised for what they do for countless souls, saving them, nurturing them, torturing them...all at the same time, through their art, talent and poetry...they'd much rather continue to be true to themselves.

All I know is, they could be brothers, soulmates - and by pulling me in - from two different directions - help keep me centered.

"Hi, we're the PTC...We're Here For Your Brain..."

Hmmm...The Parents Television Council. Wonder what makes those folks tick? I mean, aside from their obvious adherence to the holier than thou/guilt based teachings of the bible; inability to accept that all of the world is not watered down; and desire to get everyone to conform to their beliefs and to control the minds of parents, children and anyone else who is ball-less enough to take their words to heart (are you listening Toyota? "we read a review by the Parent Television Council about Nip/Tuck and decided to pull our ads...")

Listen, if your child sees something they shouldn't see or hears something they shouldn't hear...it's your fault. Maybe you shouldn't let them watch the goddam show, idiot! Or, better yet, perhaps TELL THEM WHY you would prefer that they don't. It's your fault if you don't. Not the people who made the show, its advertisers or actors. For cryin' out loud...it's not brain surgery. Take some responsibility. Here it is...if you listen to the PTC and allow them to guide you towards your decision - you are an asshole. An asshole who apparently is incapable of thinking for themselves. You think I'm kidding? I'm not. I'm completely serious. Look in the mirror.

Oh, by the way, I take the time to watch what my kids like to watch...or to explain things that they may see that perhaps they may not be ready to see and/or hear - do you? No, you don't. You'd rather have someone else make your decisions for you, wouldn't you? You idiot. Oh, and in case you worry that perhaps my kids will be mentally challenged because they may have caught a "bad word" or "boobie" on a show sometime... I got news for ya Jack... My son is at the top of his class, and my daughter will most likely follow in his footsteps.

Ya see, COMMUNICATING with your kids, NOT SHUTTING OFF ANYTHING OTHER THAN THAT CHILD MOLESTING DINOSAUR. Come on! Who's the child here? It's you, retard. YOU are the one that doesn't want to have anything other than watered down "art" available to us.

Have you bothered leaving your house to see the world around you? I mean, if you are a supporter of the PTC, then most likely, by proxy, you believe in "God." Ergo, you believe that abortion shouldn't be legal, but that it's cool to use the "eye for an eye" mentality and kill people on death row. Wow. That particular example of hipocrisy aside, what about the fact that there's mass genocide being perpetuated by our very own government daily - take a look at the news. Why aren't you attempting to shut down Rupert Murdoch from Fox? Why aren't you trying to stop NBC, CBS, CNN, et al from broadcasting the "afterglow" of mass murder of folks who aren't White, Christian, Americans? Yeah, because you're funded by the religious right, aren't you? Praise be. You enjoy not being forced to think, don't you? You want to think that your kids are going to be sheltered from hearing people - bus driver? aunts, uncles? students, teachers? friends? SAYING BAD WORDS! GASP! Say it isn't so!

But, what should I expect? You lemmings are happiest when you're not presented with any kind of parental challenge, and have an easy exit to take down the common sense highway.

It always amazes me when I see the PTC in the news. They have our best interests in mind, right? Ha. Yeah, and I'm the fucking pope. Who do you think are their biggest supporters - since, allegedly - they're a non profit organization? Yeah, Right Wing Christian fanatics. Nice.

I love the way they "celebrate victory" when a show is cancelled or taken off the air - despite their commitment to "not judging the artistic merit of a show, just examing the content...". Hmmm...

Because, after all, if anyone believes in anything other than what is written in "the good book" - you're a liar, a sinner and are obviously incapable of thinking for yourself.

Well, that's it. I guess I'm going to hell - if there is one. Although, I'm relatively certain that as long as I am forced to coexist with people like you who work, support or listen to the PTC, FCC or anyone else who is in to watering down our society further than it already it is - that I'm already living in hell...

That's alright. I've got my TV, my mind and Season 2 of Nip/Tuck to finish. Come and take it away from me, motherfucker - and I'll be just as happy to burn your stupid Toyota.