What Have I Got?
What is there really for me to complain about?
I mean, really.
"What have I got?"
"I've got everything."
Membership by birth in a country full of lemmings, robots and cattle. Despite the fact that I stand out like a sore thumb amongst most - especially at my son's school with the soccer moms and dads and the rich folk with more money than they know what to do with aka the upper 10%.
"I've got a wantless need."
A lifetime commitment to perfection. A life of "boxes", a life of no clutter. A life that I've yet to discover - but will search for forever - alone, as it's simply not possible amongst those in my circle, to acheive the levels of OCD that I hold dear to my heart.
"I've got a thoughtless mind."
A one way ticket to a mental breakdown every time the phone rings and I think it's bad news. An inability to accept that the positives far outweigh the negatives. Never stopping long enough to think that something happy may be waiting on the other line.
"I've got a needless want. I can't unwind."
A built in enemy and lover inside of me that I can't escape. The ultimate yin/yang of internal psychological warfare. No matter how much I do, I feel it's never enough. Never enough quantity. Never enough quality. There's always more to acheive. I suppose that's not all that bad - except for the toll it takes mentally and physically. Daily. By the hour. By the minute. As I constantly feel like time is sprinting away from me. And that when I chase it up the highest hill possible, exhausting all of my energies...there's only one way to go...DOWN. And what's waiting? A junk pile consisting of stress, workload and more sleep deprivation.
"I've got a heart that hates."
A heart that hates actions, beliefs of the uneducated masses, those fueled by their refusal to understand - or attempt to do so - why someone might just want to walk in a different direction. It's their behavior, not them that I hate.
"I've got hands that like to break."
Physical restraint. Restraint against punching the countless idiots I encounter daily into oblivion. Walls, punching bags, my fists...feeling the burn instead.
"They tell me, hold on. They never let me go."
"What have I got? I've got everything. What have I got? Nothing much at all."
This is no way to live. I know that. I can't expect the same commitment to inner change and introspection from everyone else I meet, see and/or know. My family keeps me grounded to a point. I give them what they need as best I can. Nothing replaces hugs and words from my immediate family. My wife, children, parents, grandparents...it's good for my sanity that they are around to give me a reference point.
Yet...
"I am a clenched fist, looking for a wall to kiss. I am a locked door looking for a foot to kick me to the floor.
Self rejected, well protected, too locked up inside myself to ever get free..."
Welcome to Me.
I mean, really.
"What have I got?"
"I've got everything."
Membership by birth in a country full of lemmings, robots and cattle. Despite the fact that I stand out like a sore thumb amongst most - especially at my son's school with the soccer moms and dads and the rich folk with more money than they know what to do with aka the upper 10%.
"I've got a wantless need."
A lifetime commitment to perfection. A life of "boxes", a life of no clutter. A life that I've yet to discover - but will search for forever - alone, as it's simply not possible amongst those in my circle, to acheive the levels of OCD that I hold dear to my heart.
"I've got a thoughtless mind."
A one way ticket to a mental breakdown every time the phone rings and I think it's bad news. An inability to accept that the positives far outweigh the negatives. Never stopping long enough to think that something happy may be waiting on the other line.
"I've got a needless want. I can't unwind."
A built in enemy and lover inside of me that I can't escape. The ultimate yin/yang of internal psychological warfare. No matter how much I do, I feel it's never enough. Never enough quantity. Never enough quality. There's always more to acheive. I suppose that's not all that bad - except for the toll it takes mentally and physically. Daily. By the hour. By the minute. As I constantly feel like time is sprinting away from me. And that when I chase it up the highest hill possible, exhausting all of my energies...there's only one way to go...DOWN. And what's waiting? A junk pile consisting of stress, workload and more sleep deprivation.
"I've got a heart that hates."
A heart that hates actions, beliefs of the uneducated masses, those fueled by their refusal to understand - or attempt to do so - why someone might just want to walk in a different direction. It's their behavior, not them that I hate.
"I've got hands that like to break."
Physical restraint. Restraint against punching the countless idiots I encounter daily into oblivion. Walls, punching bags, my fists...feeling the burn instead.
"They tell me, hold on. They never let me go."
"What have I got? I've got everything. What have I got? Nothing much at all."
This is no way to live. I know that. I can't expect the same commitment to inner change and introspection from everyone else I meet, see and/or know. My family keeps me grounded to a point. I give them what they need as best I can. Nothing replaces hugs and words from my immediate family. My wife, children, parents, grandparents...it's good for my sanity that they are around to give me a reference point.
Yet...
"I am a clenched fist, looking for a wall to kiss. I am a locked door looking for a foot to kick me to the floor.
Self rejected, well protected, too locked up inside myself to ever get free..."
Welcome to Me.
posted by swg11871 at 10:58 AM
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